lasting change is incremental

I have often claimed to seek change in my life. at the same time that I yearn for what I hope to be positive transformation, I feel also the grip of fear at my throat. what might the change require of me? where will it lead that is unknown, unplanned? yet still I seek the transformative power to alter unsatisfactory aspects of my life. such tension!

there are two kinds of change: that which we initiate for ourselves, and that which is thrust upon us by circumstance. I find that I've taught myself to discount the latter and deify the former. perhaps unfortunately, I discount the value of "change by chance" because it does not represent my own efforts, action of my own instigation. there are many who would offer to correct my thinking on this score, who would suggest to me that my intentions and the universe's are not necessarily as perfectly separate as I would like to believe; that it is merely my fragile, fear-whipped ego that leads me to hold my own initiative as the only thing that matters. they might suggest I should start with intention: the distillation of cogitation into a recognition and acknowledgement of will. start there and the rest will follow--- including the co-creative intention of the universe.... if the original intention is clear and true.

I seek also to bring transformation to the world, not just myself. can one's private intention expand, bloom, spread like dawn across the face of a world?