Thursday, September 16, 2004

where to begin?

I don't know where to begin.

It all seems so convoluted, this life thing, seen from the perspective of one life, one creature, one human bean. My brain is a swarm of worrying bees, keeping me up nights with their incessant, anxious drone: Where am I going? What is my calling? Should I move? Stay? How can I stay sane in an increasingly insane world? What about the energy crisis that no one believes is already upon us? Will overpopulation continue to be swept under the rug as a major world crisis? Will the hallucinogenic fever of greed finally run its course in humanity and allow us to move on to better things? Will a new consciousness finally take root in the human family, allowing us to recognize our interconnection and interdependence with all things? Will we get the Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld junta out of office?

Each day feels like a rehash of yesterday's anxieties. I'm weary of despairing that there is no hope. I can only take the calming, godlike perspective so often, because I'm only a man and I'm trapped inside this very frail, very human body. Too often life hurts and it shouldn't. Perhaps I have none to blame but myself, my own apparent lack of boundaries. I feel rather like I carry the world's burdens on my shoulders sometimes--- and I'm failing to merit the responsibility of it. Should I find a way (if indeed it's possible) to slough all that "responsibility" off? just shout "it's my turn!" and shut off my perceptions of the world-in-danger and focus on ME? Seems improbable--- I'm already the most self-involved person I know. I don't see how I can stop awareness of this world in turmoil. And knowing its there, how can I be at peace? Surely it must be possible for me to take it easy, relax a little, stop trying to be Atlas (or Hercules).

But how?


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